how to enjoy winning
ambition without appreciation is a treadmill to emptiness. and it's costing you your confidence.
clearly my brain was broken.
after 9 months of planning, we had done it.
our biggest lobster club yet. 60 artists, all wrangled together for one show.
if you’re not in awe of that feat, well, you’ve never dealt with an artist before.
point being, we bet the farm — financially, emotionally, and in pure hours invested.
to my surprise, we pulled it off.
but…
here’s the kicker
after it was all said and done, i was left with a hollow feeling where satisfaction should have been.
evolution couldn’t care less
as far as evolution was concerned, contentment was a design flaw.
those with the contentment gene didn’t last long on the savannah.
yo, a berry bush! let’s just vibe for a sec and do our gratitude pages.
they turned to lion chow.
evolution favored the anxious overachievers—the ones who stayed on edge, always looking to what’s next.
and now, thousands of years later, we’re stuck with their wiring.
but i don’t want to be a yogi
after recommending a book on spirituality to a friend, he hit me with a deadpan,
i don’t want to be a yogi, i want to be CEO.
turns out some folks actually like their unhinged drive, contentment be damned.
in their defense,
most successful people are just a walking anxiety disorder harnessed for productivity.
- andrew wilkinson
but here’s the thing: when you don’t savor your wins, you’re leaving a lot more than contentment on the table.
you’re sacrificing confidence.
confidence is one of those elusive traits we all want, but few understand.
so i’m gunna let you in on a little secret.
the single best way to build confidence is with your notes app.
let me break it down:
confidence is built by action.
the brain understands one language — action.
— erwin mcmanus
not by scheming scenarios. but by pure action.
but action alone isn’t enough.
because our brains are slippery lil fellas when it comes to positive experiences.
see, in order for a positive experience to be “installed” in your brain, requires that you hold it in your awareness for a moment, roughly 10-20 seconds.
the same is not true of negative experiences. those MFs get installed instantly.
as a result,
our brains are like velcro for bad experiences and like teflon for good ones.
— rick hanson
in the notes app essay i describe a two-step process for building confidence:
at the top title it: “i am [insert desired trait]”
example: “i am bold.”
throughout the day be on the lookout for tiny opportunities to take action that back up that claim. a few from my doc:
each action is like a vote for the type of person you’d like to be.
then, immediately after taking action, bust out your notes app and document it. this takes about 20 seconds.
turns out, the 20 seconds it takes to update your evidence doc is just long enough to install it in your brain — bookmarking the action you just took so that your brain can reference it in the future when faced with a challenge.
it’s one more vote for “look, we’re competent.”
but our default is to move on to the next thing without a moment’s notice. as a result, most votes go unaccounted for.
no good.
we live in a perpetual cycle of:
work → win → scroll → work
it should be:
work → win → savor → work
the goal is to, for just a moment, sit in the feeling of “look how far we’ve come”.
not too long, just long enough for it to get installed.
here’s how in 3 steps: M.A.P.
adapted & tadz-ified from rick hanson’s HEAL model.
MARK THE MOMENT (recognize positive experiences)
throughout your day be a detective for delight.
noticing that something good is occurring or could be — not huge wins, but tiny ones. ordinary experiences that feel good.
examples: you’ve just finished a workout, sent a challenging email, shared a smile with a stranger.
now, before racing to the next thing, take a moment to notice: “hey i finished that. and now i’m feeling something useful".
these experiences happen to us dozens of times each day, but they almost all go to waste because we overlook them.
ABSORD THE FEELING (sit with it)
take half a breath. let a few second tick by.
while you’re doing this, neurons are firing together & wiring together, installing the experience.
the longer you're able to sit with it, the better. but even half a breath’s pause is enough.
PRESERVE THE MEMORY (encode it in your body)
our deepest learning happens on a somatic level (in your body).
what does it feel like to have successfully handled that tricky email? or to have shared a smile with a stranger?
our goal is emotional learning → the more you feel it in your body, the deeper the learning.
to put it succinctly:
step 1: have it
we’re plenty good at this, we have dozens of (small) good experiences every day.
step 2: enjoy it
we’re really bad at this — constantly forgetting to install them because we’ve already moved on to working for the next win.
every self-help book, maybe ever
has included the same tip:
take a deep breath.
and yet, it’s never clicked for me.
even though i know from experience (and science) that it does wonders.
i think that’s finally changed.
each time i notice something good is occurring, i note it and use it as a trigger to take a trophy breath™️.
it’s simple.
4-4-4+
4 seconds in
4 second hold
4+ second exhale (longer the better)
this does a few things:
makes you pause for that 10-20 second install time.
the long exhale tells your nervous system “this is important. store this.”
it hijacks your negativity bias — repeatedly doing it trains your brain to look for and value wins.
when to use trophy breathes™️
don’t save them for the mega-wins. if you’re only doing it then, you’ve already lost.
there were tons of tiny wins along the way you missed.
it’s the small stuff you want to soak up:
post-run high
post-sauna glow
seeing a sunset
the sun hitting you just right
every time you dock a citibike & live to ride another day
after you’ve accomplished the elusive “perfect bite” of a tasty salad you made
basically anytime something remotely good happens, the smaller the better.
i’ve talked about the tyranny of the to do list before.
my antidote to it is to keep a done list — aka, a reverse to do list. a running list of everything you’ve accomplished that day.
each time i add another item to the done list… TROPHY BREATH.
takes 5 minutes a day. builds confidence for years.
give it a go for a week and let me know how it goes.
bonus round:
tell a friend about your win.
if they’re not happy for you, maybe they’re not 2%ers and you should find new friends.
but most will be genuinely happy for you and that act of sharing the win accomplishes the same ends as a trophy breath.
plus, they might even get a little joy from it themselves. joy arbitrage.
til next time,
-t
oh this may have just changed my life thank u
You just gave me a reason to finally use the Apple Journal app. Thanks!